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30 years ago in april...

I cant hardly believe it.  April 27, 2010 i will be thirty years old.  I always wondered why people in general fear turning the big 30.  I'm starting to understand why.  As I sit here counting down months, weeks, days, hours and minutes i wonder, has the past decade been really worth it?  Have i really found my place?

Ecologically the answer is yes.  My fight for a better environment on the personal level has taken wing, and will soon take wing in other arenas as well.  As far as my sexual preference is concerned i know what i am as a gay person...and I’m very satisfied and happy about that.
I have good friends, a fairly good job that has the promise of getting better, a mother that loves me.  All this is fine and good.  but still I feel oddly...empty, unfulfilled...just as I’ve felt over the last decade, not making progress, never going forward...always stuck in the same place.  To quote James T. Kirk from Star Trek 2:  I feel old, worn out.

Over the years i was stunted from discovering my true self, until I made the movie from NY to IN.  Fully realized and accepted that i am gay.  I fell for two people in a relatively short time, as Taurus people are known for doing...and the last one.  Well...I don’t really need to say more.  And I have nothing to show for it.

it feels like my life has been nothing but a waste.  I’ve moved at least 12 times since i graduated high school.  One of which, cross country.  And I'm sure that my moving isn’t done yet.  I’ve tried a couple of different ways of life, of course settling on being a furry and a Wiccan.  I do whatever I can to make a living, even extra money as I am able to online.  But that’s just it...all that effort and I’m really only just....getting by.  I’m not only just getting by financially, but people my age are at least completely independent and able to pay bills…but I’m not.  Christ I don’t even make enough to have my own place.  Some people my age own a whole house, yet another goal that has gone unmet.  Over the past ten years I have tried and fought and clawed my way through my life and…here I am, unable to even afford a place of my own.  Still trying to crawl and claw my way through life.  I have a…better job than I did before.  But years ago I had a goal of owning my own business by now…couldn’t even do that.

And then there was…just…me.  That’s all it’s been is just me.  No counterpart.  No significant other.  No one to share my life with, no one to love and make happy, tones of friends, yet always alone.  Anyone I have looked at is either taken, or not up to the standards I hold.  I know what I want, and I’m not lowering my standards just to have a mate.  I have them high for a reason after all.  Thirty.  No matter how you slice it, I’m getting old.  I may not be in my sixties old…but I’m headed that direction.

And to make matters worse…no one seems to understand this.  There is one that I love that will go unnamed, that doesn’t understand why I care about him so much and that judged me for the reason that he thought I was “kinda big”.  Before I accepted that I’m gay my ex fiancé showed how unacceptable I was by the fact that she wanted to change everything about me. 

But that’s been my experience the entire time ive been searching.  There’s always something wrong with me.  I’m either too big, don’t dress right, or whatever, all extremely poor reasons to reject somebody, or want to change somebody.  But still, that’s the reasons I get.   It’s like…my heart is a horrific thing to people.  Can’t accept me as I am, always someone better, or want to change me to something more comfortable.  I don’t feel like I can be myself and be loved at the same time.  The two just don’t seem to mix. 

I don’t want fame, not necessarily a fortune; though it would help in accomplishing a few things I do want.  I want a home, someone to share my life with, a husky that greets me when I get home.  I want to be out of debt, have good credit again.  I want a life.  I just want what everyone else wants.  But it feels like I can’t have it.  It feels like I’ve been denied it.   Or perhaps I don’t deserve it.  Ten years of waiting, working, trying to get myself in order, trying to make a decent living, trying to be a good person…and nothing to show for it.   Maybe it’s just not worth the effort anymore.   Cause making the effort is just not a force for progress from my point of view.

Im NO# 1

   No im not being cocky or arogent.  I started writing on a website called Helium.  Its basically a freelance writing website that allows you to write on many topics.  I just did an article last night based off my last blog post on here and my other blogging sites...and its now been rated the number one article on that topic.  Im really excited about this people...never in a million years did i think that i would be recognized that way for anything.  This is really encouraging to me.  I may never persue Journalism as a profession but freelance looks like its going to be a great hobby for me.  Check out my article at www.helium.com/items/1568685-77-endangered-species-to-become-78 .  Tell me what you think ^_^

Wolves are in danger....again!

In helping the environment we often look at trash reduction, recycling and highly reusables as legitimate ways of improvement...which is great. HOWEVER...there is more to it then that! How about taking care of our overall environment?

For instance...did you know that there are 77 recently extict species that will never roam the planet again? Did you also know that these species were important to this planets over all ecological balance? But many of these species were killed off, viewed as man eaters and sport animals to be hunted and mounted on the walls....yeah...hunted till they could be hunted no more...literally!

Ever hear of the following species?

* Javan Tiger
* Bali Tiger
* Caspian Tiger
* Barbary Lion
* Japanese Wolf
* Mexican grizzly bear

No? thats because most of these species went extinct before the 1950's. Notice all of them can be considered man eaters and likely some of these animals decorate the homes of rich hunters. And thats just a few of those 77 animals that are now extinct, gone, thier beauty never to be enjoyed again! Not only that but they were important to the ecology of the area they lived in and now they arnt there to aid in that ecology.

Now what brought this up? Well on another site a friend of mine brought up the wolve population in Idaho and Montana, specifically the fact now that Wolves in Idaho and Montana have been Delisted they are now on the chopping block for hunters to kill at will to "keep thier population down"...when it was population control efforts that caused thier near extinction in these two states in the first place. The Idaho Govenor even said he would be first in line to get a license to shoot a wolf himself...how sick is that? This keeps up the wolf will face the same fate as those 77 other recently extinct species before! That means the only connection that future generations will have with these magnificent creatures will be through pictures and museums and such...if i were to ever adopt thats not how i want to introduce my kids to these animals. Plus the havok that this will start to have on our overall ecology.

Im asking all my friends who are concerned about things like this to sign the following petition if you haven't already. You can sign it at https://secure.defenders.org/site/Advocacy?JServSessionIdr001=b3p0fgwmg1.app17a&cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=1393 . you will probably have to copy paste this since i cant seem to get it to make an actual link. These wolves need our help...don't let 77 become 78!

when it rains it pours

     Well this week certainly started out bad for a friend of mine.  He came for a visit to see off another friend thats moving south....and his truck breaks down.  Oy...and this is the third time this has happened.  And this time he doesnt even know whats the heck is wrong with it. 
     And to make matters worse the person going away...who wasnt invited to stay over night...decided to stay over night...with both of his unbehaved,  untrained dogs...one of which it actually attacked one of our dogs.   was not happy whatsoever.
     But on the plus side, a friend whom i am starting to fall in love with just told me that it looks like he will be able to come down next month ^_^.  So very looking forward to that.  plans will be made ^_^.
     Wow...first entry here.  maybe i will lookin to updating this more.

Luff you Cy.



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